Friday, March 24, 2006

The Democrat Hall of Fame

Madeleine the Great

THE POTATOE. Every year about this time, the buzz starts and long forgotten Democrats come out of the woodwork to make odd speeches and publish weird books about a world that never existed. Average citizens are generally hurled into a state of alarm by such shenanigans, but that's because they don't know that it's just another election season at the Democrat Hall of Fame in Hyde Park, New York. MSM reporters convene on the first of April to vote on eligible nominees, who must have been out of office for at least five years before they can be considered for election to the Hall. As with baseball's hall of fame, it's usually the case that only two or three candidates are voted in each year, and this year presents a distinct challenge because it's the first year of eligibility for alumni of the Clinton administration. Bill, of course, is a dead cert for election in his first year of eligibility, but after that it gets complicated. Al Gore is eligible but is not on the ballot because he hasn't yet decided whether or not to make a giant fool of himself by running for the presidency a second time. That leaves a wide open window of opportunity for a handful of other candidates, who are doing everything possible to curry favor with the voters. Here's how the field is being handicapped by those in the know.

Mike McCurry. He was  the press secretary throughout the Clinton administration's fight against conviction during the impeachment trial in the Senate. Most say he's a lock to be voted in before his five years of eligibility run out, but not this year. He has been notably absent from party Bush-bashing forums, and that doesn't sit well with the party's news networks (CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS, and CNN) and publications (NYT, WaPo, Time, Newsweek, etc). Although he bought a round of drinks last week at the monthly meeting of the Liberal Conspiracy Press Association, he did not receive an invitation to go fishing for stripers on Walter Cronkite's yacht. Not a good sign. Look for him to be snubbed in 2006.

Warren Christopher. Much beloved for his testosterone-free term as Secretary of State, Christopher was once considered likely to be voted into the Hall, but this is his final year of eligibility, and he has so far failed to deliver the major Bush-bashing speech or book that voters expect. It's reported that he has conducted a series of "in-depth negotiations" with NYT and WaPo editors to "discuss his qualifications" for the Hall, but his polite mention of the "possibility of forwarding the matter to the U.N.'s Appeasement Promulgation Council" is not being taken seriously by voters. Like sand through the hourglass, Christopher's chances appear to be running out.

William Cohen. A distinctly iffy candidate, Clinton Secretary of Defense Cohen is pinning his hopes for election on Democrat nostalgia for the days when terrorist attacks on the nation were met with dire threats and saber-rattling inaction. In recent months, Cohen has been conducting a quiet PR campaign with voters, consisting mostly of mailings, in which he reminds them via photos and newspaper clippings that he did nothing at all in the wake of the attacks on the U.S. embassies in Tanzania and Kenya and on the U.S.S. Cole in Yemen. Insiders say there's enormous sympathy for Cohen, as well as admiration and genuine affection, but his chances for induction are "fatally compromised by the fact that he was once a Republican." Oh well.

Madeleine Albright. Long considered a dark horse for the Hall because of her dim intellect and slutty reputation (Caution: NSFW), Albright has been on the comeback trail for several years now. WaPo and NYT editors in particular are impressed by her willingness to bash Bush in public for conducting a foreign policy that defends the United States more than it does every tinpot dictator who has a few bucks to feed into the president's reelection campaign. While they've been persistently reluctant to endorse an aged bimbo whose IQ is noticeably in the special education category, her chances got a huge boost with the op-ed one of her secretaries wrote today for the  L.A. Times. An excerpt:

For years, the president has acted as if Al Qaeda, Saddam Hussein's followers and Iran's mullahs were parts of the same problem.

Yup. He has. The problem is called Islam. It's kind of a shame nobody noticed this problem during the eight years of the Clinton administration, but then again, that's an omission that's likely to make Madeleine Albright this year's slam dunk favorite to join Bill Clinton at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony in Hyde Park.

Congratulations, Maddie.

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