Archives
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The New Katie
Meredith
Vereira
THE MANTLE OF ED. Are you ready, America? Here's our new national mommy. Her name is Meredith Vereira, and she's the one who's going to be shouting 'Rise and shine' at us every weekday morning on the Today Show. Like me, I know you're hoping that she'll be a good mommy, filled with hatred for all things Republican and Christian and filled with love for all things saccharine, socialist, female, and paranoiacally child-related. With any luck she'll share Katie's certainty that George Bush is destroying the country, that Islam means 'Peace,' that Maya Angelou is a greater poet than T. S. Eliot, and that the definition of good journalism is smiling sweetly while while you ask hostile and unfair questions of those who disagree with your moronic assumptions about matters of politics, culture, religion, and the raising of undisciplined psychopaths.
We don't doubt she's equipped with the uniquely female stamina for interminable discussions about child seats in cars and the ineradicable genetic flaws of men. But does she also have the requisite perky narcissism to show off her colonoscopy, breast cancer exam, pap smear, and home pregnancy test on live TV while we're all trying to eat breakfast? And does she have the balls to keep Matt Lauer in his assigned place as NBC's eunuch-in-chief? Only time will tell, but you've got to admit she's got the hips for it.
As for the old Katie, well, we hope her first year's salary is strato-huge-ic, because when she sits her big ass down in that anchor chair, it's the last time anyone will ever lay eyes on her. The news is bad enough as it is. When it's being read to us by an aged elf with a series of impenetrable grudges against the country that made her a gazillionaire, it's unwatchable.
Good night, Katie, and good luck.
