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Saturday, June 24, 2006
Another Scoop for the
NY Times
ALL THE NEWS. Proving once more that it's still the paper of record, the New York Times today revealed that the U.K.'s top secret agent, James Bond, is currently hiding under the bed of Osama Bin Laden and will shoot him as soon as the Al Qaida leader climbs under the covers this evening at his villa in northern Pakistan. The Times published the story despite urgent appeals by the President of the United States, the Secretary of Defense, the Director of the CIA, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and the U.K.'s Minister of Defense to keep the operation secret.
The Times article also revealed that Agent 007 is armed with a Walther PPK, a serrated commando knife, a wire garrotte concealed inside an Oyster Rolex timepiece, and explosive cufflinks. An accomplice, identified by the Times as a young Afghan mercenary named Titti Bountiful, is parked outside Bin Laden's mountaintop estate in a heavily armed 2006 Lotus Elise fighter-jet-submarine to assist the assassin in his escape after the crime. The Lotus is red in color and bears the license number 835691. A photo of the vehicle and its exact location is shown on page A-2 of the Times.
The getaway car
Managing Editor Bill Keller said, in defense of the Times's decision to publish, "We are journalists, and it is therefore our responsibility to inform the public about what's going on. We cannot evade this responsibility by taking sides in any foreign policy matter, even if some of our individual publishing decisions offend the evil Christian imperialists who preside over the world's most despicable capitalist nations. Phony arguments about so-called 'national security' concerns cannot be permitted to undermine the public's right to know the facts."
Keller also pointed out that the British assassin sent to murder Osama Bin Laden is guilty of numerous homicides and has probably committed acts of torture that would never be sanctioned by the Geneva Conventions. "He also frequently engages in unprotected sex and used to smoke cigarettes," Keller added.
The New York Times is currently the largest selling newspaper in northern Pakistan.
