Wednesday, August 23, 2006

What Googlers Want

How to put it... Well, they want to see naked women.

THE WEB PRIMEVAL. For the most part we're pretty well behaved around here. We may be mean and unfair, but we don't use a lot of bad words and we don't use many risque graphics. That's why it interesting to look in occasionally on what the casual googler is seeking when a search brings him accidentally to our site. The subject matter searches tend to be understandable and surprisingly repetitive; that is, a relative handful of subjects account for most of the activity -- they want posts about Cindy Sheehan, Pat Buchanan, Bush-Hitler, Maureen Dowdnuking Mecca, and torture. The final group is the most suspect, since they overlap strongly with the image googlers, who are basically up to no good at all. For example, they want pictures of torture as long as it involves young women bound in ropes and chains. That's not what the post that led them here is about, of course, but how were they to know? It makes us feel sorry for them.

That's why today's post is for all the weird surfers out there. The rest of you shouldn't go to the 'continued' page, because it features a variety of our most popular images, which in aggregate must be considered Not Safe For Work. We're not trying to pander to them but simply to reduce their frustrations, since Google is pretty hit-and-miss about sending them to the correct archive page as opposed to the home page. This should make things easier all round. Call it our good deed for the year.

The rest of you can come back tomorrow when we've returned to our standard prudish, right-wing rectitude. Okay?

Our first image is the one that everyone seems to want right now. It's from our post titled How It Will Happen. We shouldn't have published it probably, but it just seemed to suit the context somehow.

Vivian Westwood (or Vivienne as one commenter huffily
 corrected us). Does she look like she really cares? No.

How and why people are searching for this one we don't know. It's a piece of fine art we developed to test the tolerance of intellectuals who find no fault with works like the Piss Christ. We call our version the Piss Pelosi. There's more explanation here -- if you give a rat's ass, which you don't. All you really need to know that is that it is Nancy, she is on a cross, and she is immersed in urine. How cool can anything be?

The Piss Pelosi (courtesy of the Metropolitan Museum)

Not everyone likes it when we write about abortion, so when we discussed the perspective of a woman who was being aggressive on the subject from a completely unexpected direction, we decided to pay tribute to her persona with the graphic below. Since then, submissives from the U.K. have been coming to the site like flocks of pilgrims to worship her. Get on your knees NOW, you limey bastards.

The Dominatrix

Speaking of ball-busting broads, we forgot to mention in our introduction that quite a lot of the searches for Maureen Dowd are for pictures of the dear darling. We get a lot of traffic from them because we have the only known photo of MoDo that shows her as she no doubt sees herself. That's because we actually understand her. Cool but scary. Actually, more scary than cool.

Maureen the Dowd

To tell you the truth, we're confused about the number of searches we get for the next photo. You don't really want to see her naked, do you? We wrote about her once, but mostly to offer a kind of warning that she was going to do something outrageous and awful eventually. Which she most certainly did. Several times. So why do you want her picture? It's true she keeps a pretty tight lid on photos of herself, but shouldn't that tell you something? Well, here's her pic. Not good enough? Not naked enough for you? All right, then, we'll admit there's another one. But we warn you it's not only not safe for work, it's not safe for your life if you look at it, because everyone should know by now that this is the kind of screaming maniacal bitch nobody crosses without paying for it. Don't say we didn't tell you. Do NOT look at this.

Jane Hamsher

Since you were so good about not looking at the Hamsher photo, we have a bonus for you. Here are some pages we have posted over the last couple of years that were too racy to put in Instapunk, so we (mostly) linked to them instead:

Olympic Fun, including the Gold Medal for Best Women's Uniforms and What Female Athletes Really Want.

The Star Daughters of Hollywood Stars. (Linked from House of Lords, Part Deux, if you cared)

Valerie Plame's TV Series.

Role Models for America's Pre-Teens.

Bill Clinton's Jane Does.

Rotogravure: Breasts, Not Bombs. [Nausea Warning].

Suicide-Bomber Heaven.

Don't tell the regular readers about this stuff. They might not understand. They're conservatives, you know, and so they have no idea there are such things as naked women. Okay?

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