Friday, August 25, 2006

The Friday Follies

TGIF. Before we get to the funny stuff, we need to update you about the hurricane story we covered Wednesday. Apparently, the emergency Global Warming conference in Miami is already starting to work. The unimpeachable Reuters is reporting gleefully that a hurricane just might be a near-term possibility:

"Conditions appear to be favorable for a tropical depression or a tropical storm to form later today," NHC said early Thursday.

The center scheduled an Air Force Reserve reconnaissance aircraft to investigate the system in the afternoon.

All of the major weather models showed the wave entering the Caribbean Sea over the next day or so.

Four models put the storm in the waters south of Cuba near Jamaica within five days. Another model had the storm crossing the Dominican Republic before approaching the Bahamas over the next five days or so.

Through another source, we've also been able to acquire Reuters photos of the weather models who are responsible for all this optimistic predicting.

Would they lie?

We also have a video of the fourth weather model demonstrating (with the help of a red scarf) how major hurricanes can be lurking out there without being easily detected. It's highly educational for us dunces who remain stubbornly ignorant about the many devious stratagems employed by Global Warming to sneak up on us unawares, but it's also pretty NSFW. Maybe that's why (Republican, thin-lipped) conservatives are the ones who are the most skeptical about all the climate change talk. If you can bring yourself to watch it (click on the pic to activate the video), you'll see why models are so convincing to four-eyed meteorologists and environmentalists.

So three cheers for the renascent hurricane season. It's great news, isn't it? With any luck, we'll have another major American city flattened by 130 mph winds within the next week. Keep talking, Al.

Every progressive society needs brave iconoclasts like Gore and so forth to break through to the truths concealed by the sinister powers-that-be. Today's news presents us with another brilliant example of this. Thanks to the oh-so-insightful da Vinci Code, we now have an emerging population of literal iconoclasts to admire and emulate:

Until recently, the 14th century church was a place to enjoy some peace and contemplation.

But now things have radically changed for St Luke's Church in the village of Hodnet, Shropshire, with visitors lured by claims that it is linked to the Holy Grail mystery.

And some, it seems, will go to any lengths to discover the beautiful church's secrets - even if it means taking a hammer and chisel to the walls.

The Reverend Charmian Beech blamed a pair of 'Da Vinci Code-style' treasure hunters for causing thousands of pounds worth of damage as they searched for clues to help them find the Grail.

Courtesy of Reuters, once again, we have a photo showing the damage, which looks to have been worth it if the researchers managed to find any new evidence of the non-divinity of Christ.

A blessing in disguise?

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, as they say, and the really positive thing to bear in mind is that people in all walks of life seem to be waking up in unprecedented numbers to the fact that dark secrets have been hidden from them. For example, who wouldn't be cheered by the results of this recent poll?

More than a third of the American public suspects that federal officials assisted in the 9-11 terrorist attacks or took no action to stop them so the United States could go to war in the Middle East, according to a new Scripps Howard/Ohio University poll...

Widespread resentment and alienation toward the national government appears to be fueling a growing acceptance of conspiracy theories about the 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

If you think these numbers are overstated, don't be too sure. We recently did a search looking for on-line documentaries, thinking it would turn up all kinds of interesting educational fare. Instead, we found that about 90 percent of such on-line documentaries are about how the Bush administration engineered the 9/11 attacks. There are so many of these little films, it's no wonder that quite ordinary folks have been whipped up to a frenzy of certainty about the alleged dastardly doings. (Here's just one example of Joe Sixpack passion on the subject, which gets even more inflamed in the Comments section If you looked, you could find thousands of bloggers out there with exactly the same sentiments.)

What's really sad is that there are also a few people on the internet trying to stem the tide with pathetic tools like logic and fact-checking, as if you could stop a hurricane with a calculator.

If you want a real laugh, take a look at this feeble attempt to refute one of the most popular 9/11 conspiracy documentaries. Then take a good long look at the worthies who are behind the conspiracy research. Start  with Part 1 on this page and go here to view the four other segments linked on the lower right-hand side of the page. It will make you proud, especially if you're one of the 33 percent who believe in the conspiracy, of the deeply moral and humanistic character of those who dare to challenge the establishment view of the 9/11 tragedy. People like this are not going to be dissuaded by tedious resorts to reason.

The truth is, the best way to deal with a conspiracy theory is to find an even bigger conspiracy theory that makes all the other conspiracy buffs envious. Ideally, it should be really really big -- so big that it makes even the da Vinci code and the 9/11 stuff look as insignificant as, say, a lie about sex. If it existed, you could call it The Super-Duper Ultimate Conspiracy about the Whole History of Mankind or something like that.

Since this is the Friday Follies, we're pleased to announce that The Super-Duper Ultimate Conspiracy about the Whole History of Mankind does exist. And we found it.

And the book exists too. Read all 35 customer reviews and see how many people think this theory is hot stuff. They couldn't all be wrong about something this important. For example, there's the guy who exclaims, "Boom! Another hit: Bronze Age is a total hoax, because to make bronze you need metallic tin. It is knwon [sic] for a fact that tin was discovered as late as 14 th century!" Wow. Did you know that? We sure didn't. And it's a good thing we had the sense not to do a search like this, because, you know, that could have led to reading something like this, which would complicate things more than a world-class conspiracy theorist needs.

So what we're going to do is start producing our own on-line documentary about The Super-Duper Ultimate Conspiracy about the Whole History of Mankind, and pretty soon, you'll see. The da Vinci fellers and the 9/11 fellers will start to invite us to conferences, and we'll go on the radio, and eventually we'll even reach the "Holy Grail" of conspiracy expertise, Air America.

Er, sorry. It's Friday. We'll probably be all better by Monday. We usually are. Have a nice weekend.

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