Monday, October 30, 2006

This message comes to you from the InstaPunk Emergency Broadcast System. Please turn off your television sets, radios, and computers, and do not read any newspapers, magazines, or other periodicals until further notice. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Exposure to mass media in any form for the next week is likely to cause severe damage to the brain and nervous system. All Civil Defense Monitoring Systems are registering the highest levels of toxic political propaganda ever recorded. REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

To keep you and your family safe during the present mental health crisis, we recommend the following specific measures:

1. If you live in a rural area, go outdoors and take private walks, being careful to stay away from neighbors (who may be politically radioactive), your front door and the mailbox (both of which are likely to be contaminated with political fliers), but do not venture out to your place of employment, where the risk of political contagion is exceptionally hazardous.

2. If you live in the city or suburbs, remain indoors at all times. The danger of exposure to toxic political signage is highest in these areas.

3. Do not answer the telephone. There is a high risk that callers may be pollsters, "Get Out the Vote" cyborgs, or other infectious political agents.

4. If you must read, confine your reading to books written prior to the twentieth century. Any content which may cause you to recollect current political issues or topics may aggravate existing low-level infections to dangerous levels.

5. It is urgently recommended that you refrain from turning on the television at all, but if you are an addict, confine your watching to the Home & Garden Channel, the Food Channel, and QVC. For the present all entertainment shows, news programming, and even sports commentary are likely to be laced with insane political commentary, and all commercial broadcasting will be interleaved with potentially fatal political advertising.

6. Spend all available free time drinking heavily and doing as many drugs as possible. You have reached a safe level of intoxication when you cannot remember how to turn on the radio.

7. If you must turn on your computer to catch up with online news services or blogs of any description (even those you normally agree with), shoot yourself in the head first, with the largest caliber bullet available. Right now, they are ALL insane.

8. Wait for the All Clear, which should be broadcast universally sometime after Wednesday, November 8, though perhaps much later than that if contemporary trends continue.

9. If you must leave your domicile to vote, you're on your own.


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