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Monday, November 06, 2006
BGNN Scoop!
Dems win, Earth explodes
BGNN. By a shockingly huge margin, the Democrats took control of both houses of the United States Congress tomorrow, November 7, paving the way for Nancy Pelosi (D), California, to become Speaker of the House and Harry Reid (D), Nevada, to become Majority Leader of the Senate.
In a related development, the planet earth spontaneously exploded a few hours later, extinguishing hundreds of endangered species and fouling the environment in ways too numerous to mention. In addition, the planet's six and a half billion human inhabitants were instantaneously vaporized by the blast, which Speaker-Elect Pelosi described as "yet another example of the gross negligence and incompetence of the Bush administration."
Final vote tallies were not available due to the destruction wreaked by the end of life as we know it, but it is believed that the Democrats gained more than 40 seats in the House and more than 10 in the Senate. Majority Leader-Elect Reid called it "a ringing affirmation of the policies and positions of the Democratic Party" and said it proved that "the American people have rejected the unilateralism and elitist tax policies of the Republicans."
Reid went on to express his "grave disappointment" about the annihilation of the earth, "because now we will be denied our rightful opportunity to demonstrate to the people of America and the world that the United States can protect itself without being a military bully, a sadistic jailer, or a tactless eavesdropper on private conversations between political activists at home and abroad.
"The world would have been a much better place," he said, "if only Bush and his cronies hadn't blown it up. We Democrats just plain care more about people, and now we'll never get the chance to prove it. It's a pisser."
Reid and Pelosi both promised extensive hearings to assign blame to the President for the "criminal failure of this administration to prevent the death of everyone and everything."
Presidential press secretary Tony Snow called the Democrat charges "purely political" and said the evidence suggested the explosion was caused by the "unthinkable Democratic victory," not Republican malfeasance. He added that FEMA was responding to the disaster "as well as can be expected under the circumstances."
He also said that the heavy Republican losses in the election were caused largely by an unexpectedly low turnout and professed the belief that people hadn't lost faith in the administration but had fallen prey to "the natural desire for change we've seen time and again in the sixth year of a presidency."
Various pollsters who failed to predict the enormity of the Democratic landslide could not be reached for comment.
