Thursday, November 16, 2006
The Speaker Broad
Surprised (perpetually) but pleased about her election.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO LAW SCHOOL. Before you get all ticked off about our sexism, take a look at what we said about Denny Hastert back in the year 2000:
The Speaker Guy. The second most powerful man in the United States of Ameria, which means that we must be talking about, uh°, uh... Is it Humbert? Hissifit? Uh, sorry, can't think of it just now. If you find out, please let us know.
So she's the first female Speaker. Kewl. Even Ann Coulter is impressed:
In the past week, there are 476 documents on Nexis heralding the magnificent achievement of Nancy Pelosi becoming the FIRST WOMAN speaker of the House.
I thought we had moved beyond such multicultural milestones.
The media yawned when Condoleezza Rice became the first black female secretary of state (and when Lincoln Chafee became the first developmentally disabled senator).
There were only 77 documents noting that Rice was the first black woman to be the secretary of state, and half of them were issues of Jet, Essence, Ebony or Black Entrepreneur magazine.
A New York Times profile of Rice at the time waited until the last sentence to note in passing that Rice was "only the second woman, and the first black woman, to hold the job." (In a separate column by me, it was noted that Rice was the "first competent woman" to hold the job.)
Well, sort of impressed, anyway. We're sort of impressed too. We even did some (sort of) research. She's originally from Maryland, where her family made a living as professional politicians. Her father was a U.S. congressman and a mayor of Baltimore, which position he bequeathed to his son, Nancy's brother. She deferred her own political career long enough to get a college degree from Trinity Washington University, which sounds serious even if we never never heard of it before now. She married a man named Paul Pelosi whose real estate empire in California is currently worth $25 million, which is an indisensable criterion for Democrats who care about 'working Americans.' There's no indication that Nancy ever had a job of any sort until she ran for Congress at the age of 48. But we all have to start our careers sometime, don't we?
Our favorite line from her Wikipedia entry, where we did our research, is this:
Pelosi means furry in Italian.
Without any direct personal knowledge, we're still prepared to stipulate that Nancy Pelosi is the furriest Speaker of the House in history (although we're waiting for the inevitable Playboy pictorial to confirm our stipulation).
The topic of superlatives is always relevant when someone becomes the first to do something. So we did some brainstorming and came up with the following superlatives about Nancy Pelosi:
1. She's the first Speaker of the House to have had 67 plastic surgeries: breast augmentation (3), breast lift (2), tummy tuck, chin implant, cheek implant (2), facelift (5), eye lift (46), buttock lift (2), and liposuction (5).
2. She's the first Speaker of the House to have never worked for any entity other than the federal government in her life.
3. She's the first Speaker of the House who doesn't know the rules of football.
4. She's the first Speaker of the House with breasts the size of cantaloupes. (See No. 1 above.)
5. She's the first Speaker of the House who has never drunk a snifter of cognac and smoked a cigar while receiving vigorous oral sex.
6. On the other hand, she's the first Speaker of the House for whom election to the office made her nipples hard.
Well, we could go on, but you get the picture. I f you don't here's a reminder:
As we've said before, it's all gonna be great. Trust us on this. Or don't.