Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Guerilla TV

Who needs this kind of crap? Did you see Jack Nicholson's trick? Cool.

MECCA. Anyone see the Golden Globes last night? I loved the segment where they gave some kind of lifetime achievement award to the horniest old coot in Hollywood, Warren Beatty. The tribute included extended clips from his celebration of communism called Reds, and then he accepted the honor in his usual rambling, incoherent style. An aged pretty boy is not a pretty thing to watch, especially when he thinks he's being humble on national TV for t-w-e-n-t-y endless minutes. The best part,  though, was the way the director kept intercutting between Warren on stage and Jack Nicholson in the audience, who was laughing and laughing and laughing inside a costume that consisted of a tuxedo, sunglasses, and a nineteen year-old girl. We all just loved it. It's so cool that pedophilia is socially acceptable when it's committed by a bloated old movie star. But here's the kicker. Not once did Warren Beatty actually lunge into the audience to rape Jack Nicholson's baby hooker. He's grown up, you see. And besides, Annette Bening was there. She's rendered Warren harmless. He told her how faithful he is. On national TV, anyway. When he's getting a lifetime achievement award. For banging every single actor in Hollywood who has a vagina. How cute can an antique lothario be? Every one of his hundred thousand wrinkles was smiling. Color us charmed.

Where were we? And what does any of this have to do with the provocative title of this post? Well, Drudge reports that the Golden Globes kicked 24's ass in the ratings. Color us unsurprised.

But here's the thing. Some of you were watching 24. And some of you are watching NCIS when it's on. And some of you are watching Jericho, which the TV Guide reviewer thought was headed straight for the dumpster until a bunch of you turned it into a hit. Color us amazed.

The Hollywood movie set doesn't want to have anything to do with the war on terror. They much prefer ancient communists and pint-sized movie directors who look like Groucho Marx and assail us with film epics about how violent incredibly rich movie stars can be when they're pretending to be American mobsters. If terrorism figures in their plots, they insist that the most dangerous villains are neo-nazis who go postal when good Democrats are defeated by evil Republicans at the polls. That's the way movies should be.

So what's happening with TV? Only five years after 9/11 there are signs that some television producers have decided Islamic fanatics want to kill us, and they have the nerve to start imagining an America in which muslims are so dastardly as to try planting, and exploding, nukes in our most populated cities. Who are these producers? Who are these screenwriters? Aren't they aware of the calamitous consequences of suggesting to Americans that 9/11 was just a shot across the bow? How dare they?

In Jericho, to be sure, we don't yet know who nuked most of the cities in the U.S. (We have our suspicions, though.) Still, the prospect of a devastated nation is put before us in grim detail. In NCIS, we are continually presented with Islamic terrorists -- yes, Islamic -- who don't ever quite succeed because Mark Harmon is smart enough to employ a ruthless Israeli assassin who just can't wait to torture and kill every suspect she interrogates. Sheesh. And in 24, we get the full monte: an America subjected to nuclear attacks by muslim terrorists who live just next door.

Shame on everybody who watches such vile propaganda. Here's what one of 24's spokesmen admitted:

"Time to wake the country up!" a top FOX source told the DRUDGE REPORT over the weekend.

Is it possible that Hollywood is harboring clandestine rightwingers who are more focused on possible threats to our way of life than they are on the mammaries and shaved pudenda of L.A. prostitutes and their fabulously wealthy old johns?  This is a bitter pill indeed.

Reality TV is all well and good, but there are limits. It's time that we put an end to the kinds of fantasies which suggest, implicitly or explicitly, that there's anything more important in this country than whether or not our most prized brainless twits are wearing panties as they exit their hybrid limousines. There is such a thing as sedition, you know. And I, for one, am opposed to it. I mean, just how crazy is it that certain people want us to wax patriotic when we hear the word "pussy"? It's not the waxing part that bothers me. It's that I hate feeling like a pussy myself when the first word that occurs to me in that context is "Brazilian," not "Nine-eleven."

Somebody please tell the TV guerillas to stop. Make Jericho, NCIS, and 24 go away. I'd rather watch Warren Beatty lie to his wife on national TV than think about Islamic terrorists. Isn't that my constitutional right as an American?

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