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Monday, February 12, 2007

POP. Every so often, we like to look in on the Grammies and try to solve the perennial mystery: why do they attract so much attention? They treat almost every major genre of music -- classical, jazz, rock, country, rap, Latin, world, et al -- as  afterthoughts and only get around to honoring the true giants of music after they're wheelchair-bound or dead. Last night, for example, they slipped in -- between endless nominations in various pop categories -- lifetime achievement awards for Maria Callas (30 years dead) and the Doors (Jim Morrison is 35 years dead). We haven't looked it up, but our bet would be that neither of these superstar acts got a Grammy when they were alive. Still, we enjoyed their unexpected duet performance of "Break on Through," unless that was a couple of other guys. Even if it was, we thought it rocked.


Once you accept that the Grammies are strictly about pop music, though, it's easy to sit back and gape at all the pretty-boy singers and half-dressed babes making love to their microphones. We got to see Justin Timberlake perform big numbers, twice, and we have to admit the tuxedo-with-huge-white-sneakers look is killer. Everywhere else you looked, there were nice big breasts barely contained by clingy fabric. There were some beautiful hips on display, too, from the monumental Michelangelo curves of Beyonce's lower half to the perpetual motion machine called Shakira, who probably precipitated some serious tremors along the San Andreas fault. If she didn't, Christina Aguilera did, with a performance so loud it must also have broken large amounts of glassware throughout Southern California. It was an unusual treat to hear the Dixie Chicks's pledge of allegiance to themselves, recited with enough woeful chirps to remind us of three crickets sad about getting stepped on in a redneck bar. Very moving. And did we mention Carrie Underwood? We hope so, because she's, well, mentionable. She's the American Idol, you know. Several of her dresses were quite pretty, but one looked like they had forgotten to sew on the bottom half of her skirt to cover up that slip. She's definitely getting the hang of the pop star thing, though. As is Al Gore. But he does need to check with Justin Timberlake about getting bigger sneakers.

On the other hand, the musical performances were exceptionally good. This year, they rounded up a bunch of old guys who know how to sing real songs and play real musical instruments -- The Police, Smoky Robinson, Nicole Richie's dad, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Stevie Wonder introduced three newcomers who also knew how to sing and play so they could be pretty much ignored in the big awards later on, which have everything to do with pop, meaning popular, which in this particular year means politically correct, and not much to do with anything else.

We can't remember all of them, but here are the most important award categories and winners:


And did we mention Joan Baez? We hope not. Because she is absolutely, completely unmentionable. Although one of us thought her dress was okay. For a change.

UPDATE. Not surprisingly, La Malkin checked out the Grammies, too.

UPDATE 2. Courtesy of a tip from Wuzzadem, here's a truly hilarious video of the song the Dixie Chicks should have performed last night:


If you liked it, send some "get well soon" cheer to Wuzzadem. (Scroll down the left-hand column at his site for contact information.) He's laughing as usual, but we can be sure there's real pain involved.

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