Friday, February 23, 2007

Money Talks.

Even cooler than the Euro.

MONEY. Those who who have been following the presidential campaign thus far might be pardoned for thinking that Hillary is some kind of Democrat moderate. All the sniping she's getting from the left is pretty convincing on that score. The truth is, though, that Hillary is a true visionary, much like previous rescuers of troubled democracies like Octavianus and Napoleon Bonaparte. She knows our needs and wants, and that's why she's going to help us rejoin the community of nations who have been so mad at us for so long. One of her first steps will be the renovation of the fascist currency that has been a constant reminder to the rest of the world that the United States is hopelessly committed to militarism, achievement, individuality, and God worshippers. These aren't things that a modern nation should admire. Thankfully, we have the benefit of the example set by Europe, which somehow overcame its thousand year legacy of murder and oppression a few years ago and is now showing the rest of us how civilization ought to work -- with enormous governments that give lots of money to everyone who needs it, or wants it, or thinks it's owed to them somehow.

That's why we're so amazingly happy to announce the brand new money that will be printed and minted when Hillary becomes President in 2009. We can all expect to receive lots and lots of these of these new bills, which for the first time in our history are going to reflect the real values we all hold dear. Here's a quick review.

The new one-dollar bill will remind us of the greatest hero of the American Revolution, the general who realized that the war against the British just couldn't be won, and therefore shouldn't be fought. Alone among all the New World colonists, Benedict Arnold remembered that no one had ever won a war against the Old World, and he did the civilized thing, switching sides when he saw that the idiot in charge of the American effort was too stupid to follow his advice.

Talk about an American hero -- here's the greatest one of all. It's a fact of history that leaders should always listen to their generals unless they're generals who demand more troops and more offensives against the enemy. George McClellan was one of the good generals, though. He always knew that the North wasn't ready to fight the South, no matter how many troops and provisions he had. He also knew there was no way the North would ever beat the South in the Civil War, and he loved peace so damn much that he ran against the president who had done more damage than anyone in history to the civil liberties that make America great. So what if he lost the campaign. He was right, goddamn it. No war is worth more than a few thousand casualties.

In a way you could say that American civilization didn't even begin until this guy showed up on the scene. George McGovern was the first presidential candidate ever who had the sheer balls to say, "This is a war we absolutely have to lose, no matter how much it costs." He was talking about the quagmire called Vietnam, and maybe it's true that old-time Democrats like FDR, Truman, JFK, and LBJ would have cut his head off and pissed down his windpipe for being such a traitor to his own country, but who's on the 10-dollar bill now, Jack? And who gets a new documentary made about him every six months for all the sexist, perverted things he did to every single person with breasts and a vagina he ever met? We've grown beyond the macho men who kept getting us into all those wars in the past. Now we're advanced enough to admire the men who really matter, the ones who pee sitting down, just like all those virtuous German men.

Remember who used to be on the twenty-dollar bill? Well, we don't either, but the odds are he was an idiot chavinist pig who never appreciated just how wise and wonderful women are when they're running the government. Thank God goodness we now have a Speaker of the House who isn't the hostage of testosterone and knows when it's time to march up to the nearest imam and surrender like a good little girl. There really isn't anything else you can do when you're confronted by that kind of man.

If we didn't put him on the 50-dollar bill, we'd have to just stop everything and declare him a saint. Who else could be so pristinely objective in the face of nationalistic madness that he has the wherewithal to defend the democratically elected leader of a nation at war with his own country? I mean, Saddam Hussein got almost 99 percent of the vote in his last presidential race. No American politician ever gets a mandate like that. No wonder all those Iraqi women wanted him to rape them to death. Well, as I always say, if you want people who take a principled stand, find yourself a Democrat, preferably one who's served in a Democrat presidential adminsitration. Someone like Ramsey Clark. Or Martin Sheen.

People are so cynical. Most of the Republicans I know were awful when I told them I was writing about the new currency. They thought Bill Clinton should be on the 100-dollar bill. You know, Cocaine jokes. That's why I'm so pleased that the real new face of the 100-dollar bill is someone who's never done anything wrong or unsavory. He just loves peace. And poor, hopeless losers. To death.

All right. So he's a desperately stupid, incompetent, and not so patriotic boob. Can you name me one organzation that doesn't have a Patrick Leahy on the board submitting outrageous expense accounts and annoying the hell out of the people who do the real work? No. Of course you can't. There's always a Patrick Leahy. It's our choice. We can nuke the state of Vermont, or we can find some way to cope. Face it. You're never going to get rid of numbskull crooks like Leahy. What you can do is is give them their anniversary pins, plaques, and all the other crap that says you care, even though you don't. Besides, have you ever seen a $500 bill? No one else has either. Serves him right.

He didn't do it for the money. Julius (corrected 2/26 by commenter Scipio -- thanks!) Rosenberg gave the Russians our nuclear secrets because he believed in peace, the perfectability of man, and the wisdom of Josef Stalin. Who doesn't believe in those things? And who wouldn't commit espionage just to have the satisfaction of putting one over on Joe McCarthy and Richard Nixon? Can you even imagine how effective he'd be as an activist against Global Warming? We know he'd kick ass. Gore would be sick with envy.

Hey. It's the top denomination. Who else would you put on this bill? He's the Top Dog, the Alpha Male, the.. well, you take the point.

About time, don't you think? The three-dollar bill is important, because it's somewhere between the one-dollar bill and the five-dollar bill. We always needed it. Because life just wouldn't be the same without a pompous, patronizing, pseudo-intellectual, obnoxious, corrupt, er, unit of currency. You know.

We're going to have all new coins too. Hurray. Like the penny.

Isn't she just so gre-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-t? Of course she is. So humble. And so classically beautiful.

This is the guy who defunded the South Vietnamese army. He'll be the new nickel. And worth every penny. We need more politicians like Speaker of the House Carl Albert. Are you listening, Nancy?

Jimmy Carter. So good to have him on the dime. He's worth so much more than that. But if you're going to be on the quarter, you've got to be really really special, not some trailer trash who accidentally got elected president.

Babs. It doesn't get much better than this. Just don't keep your quarters in the same pocket with your dimes. Barbra is Jewish, you know. But a good Democrat. Like all Jews. Or Hillary wouldn't put one on the quarter. It's not as if they're actually silver anymore.

We've been told that that Hillary is also thinking of putting an African-American on the 50-cent piece, maybe Paul Robeson, because he was so loyal to the proletariat people. And there's also talk of a new dollar coin, which would be a nonpartisan choice like Charles Lindbergh, because he believed in peace so much. Way back when. The alternative candidate is John Wilkes Booth. Who knew the best approach to take with a war-mongering Republican president. Stay tuned.

UPDATE. Thanks to Wuzzadem for the link, but we're pretty sure it's not illegal. We confidently expect a verdict of not guilty by reason of inanity.

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